The concept of "romance" used to be pretty straightforward: holding hands...a box of chocolates...the pitter-patter of rocks against the bedroom window...a gentle guitar serenade on the porch...matching tattoos. Today, romance seems to be about as popular as CB radio, movie musicals and Democrats in Congress. It's a sad day indeed when young men and women feel compelled to discuss their views on financial management, day care alternatives and variable-rate mortgages before they can hold hands at a movie. And pardon our nostalgia, but can we skip the credit check before introducing a new sweetie to the parents?

We know the days of perfumed letters and shared sodas are long gone, but that doesn't mean you can't be a teensy bit playful when it comes to pursuing your paramour. Stop worrying about whether or not your favorite waste of time drives a car with a name that ends in a vowel. Do something silly. Or sinful. Anything besides demanding to see a photo I.D. and a paycheck stub before giving out your phone number.

In honor of Valentine's Day, your friends at Vivarin want to help rekindle the embers of romance in your battle-scared heart. Thanks to the relentless progress of Internet technology, the "Vivarin Date-Ability96 Index" can measure your capacity for free-spirited abandon and goofy tokens of affection with just a few clicks of your mouse. It's fast, easy and foolproof...perfect for fools in love, or who wish they could find someone foolish enough to love them back.

Don't begin until you're told to start.

You find a gaily-wrapped package with your name on it leaning against your front door. Do you...
Open it?
Submerge it in a pail of water, then call the police to report a stalker?

You met this really cute person in Sociology 220, but you can't seem to get past the cafeteria-after-class stage. Do you...
Send flowers with a note suggesting dinner?
Spraypaint your names inside a heart on the front door of the student union?

You've progressed beyond casual dating, but you're unsure what steps to take next. Do you...
Buy your sweetheart a gift that's a little on the expensive side?
Show up on his/her doorstep with a suitcase, your stereo and a box full of kitchen utensils?

Your car breaks down on the way home from a trip, and you only have enough money for a single room at the motel. Do you...
Sleep in the same bed with your clothes on?
Lock yourself in the bathroom until the tow truck arrives?

During dinner, your boyfriend falls to his knees in front of you and seems to have trouble speaking. Do you...
Say "I do" breathlessly
Jump up and yell for someone to help perform the Heimlich manuever